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The Tiger Roars 

Mr. Blackwell Reviews the Dark Eldar Miniatures
Patrick Eibel: This month’s guest commentary comes to us from the spirit of Mr. Blackwell, who has used the powers of Chaos to rise from the dead and give his fashion review of the new line of Dark Eldar miniatures.  For those of you too young to know, Mr. Blackwell was a fashion designer known for giving out his annual Ten Worst Dressed Women awards (some of you may better remember Robin Williams parodying him in Good Morning, Vietnam).  In dispensing his reviews, Mr. Blackwell likes to engage in some saucy language, so if you’re a certain age or are easily affronted, click away now….

Mr. Blackwell: Thank you, Patrick, and thank YOU, dear visitors for taking time out of your busy schedules to think a bit about fashion.  It seems that, other than those hacks at Project Runway, we have forgotten the motto, “It is better to look good than to feel good.”  That is why I am truly excited by the prospect of the new line of Dark Eldar.  If there was ever a race that knew how to look good while in excruciating pain or blissed out on mind-numbing drugs, it was the Dark Eldar.

Gentlemen, your headwear is so Chaos Codex--and I mean 3rd Edition, obviously

Let’s start with the HQ units, and kids, Mr. Blackwell does not actually have any miniatures, so he’ll be judging the hard-working boys and girls in GW’s painting ranks.  If you get paid to paint little gaming figurines, you can stand a little criticism.  We start with the new Archon, who appears to have gone to Taco Bell and gotten the dead-purple thing taco.  There are two pictures, showing the two possible heads.  One looks like the sculptor couldn’t decide on what head to use so he smashed the two together (my eyeballs ache  to look at it – I get headaches from Escher drawings too), and the other looks like he has his AM radio antenna up to catch the World Series while he is in battle.  The rest of the model is fine in the ubiquitous black with blue highlights that is soooooo Batman Forever.  At least the second model has a dark purple cape lining, not that mauve travesty in the first pose. We’ll give this one a B-.

Next up, we have Lelith Hesperax, who appears to be riding her sex toy into battle.  I like a girl who’s prepared!  Lillie is such a bad mamma that she does not need any clothes to protect her as she carve up her enemies, and so rides forth unashamedly in her underwear.  Like Lady Godiva, she does keep her hair long, just in case any Peeping Toms are about (you, dear visitor, were of course aware that was where "Peeping Tom" came from...).  Love, love, love the butch redesign, we give her an A.

Lelith is a divu diva; Drazzie's a bit drab. And Urien, I'm mad--MAD, I say--for you

Drazhar looks like what you get when you mix a Harlequin and a Hormagaunt.  Not a bad model per se, but lose the goofy thing that sticks up from the shoulders.  Grade: B

I think they recycled the two old Haemonculi, so we will end with Urien Rakarth.  Urien looks like Fabius Bile mixed with some nasty villain from a horror movie. Other than the red little tapeworm at his feet, I think the model is faboo, get one even if you only run a regular Haemonculi.  Grade: A-

The new Incubi apparently wear Chaos Marine hand-me-downs

On to the Elites, where we learn that the Dark Eldar have mastered the art of making really freaking huge weapons.  We assume that they are not merely compensating for their shortcomings (although Mr. Blackwell wonders), and we will turn our eye to the fashion. The Incubi have the same wretched things sticking up off their backs that Drazhar does, in a puerile attempt at "coolness."  Can we say, "Hate it?"  I knew you could.  The rest of the models are black and purple and are boring me to tears. Grade: C.

Don't let the green dissuade you: these Mandrakes are fresh and tasty

Fortunately, we are saved by the Mandrakes.  These fine fellows look like delicious leftovers from some Japanese samurai/zombie movie.  Mr. Blackwell says go for style over substance whenever you can. Grade: A+.

Warriors, take me away--take me now!

In the Troop section, we are given new Warriors, who seem to have traded in their spikey bits for dirty loincloths.  I am sure that these are much more practical and will not break as often as the old models, for which Mr. Blackwell will give them a B.  However, can we discuss the stupidity of trying to sculpt a whip extended?  Coiled up, a whip is all nasty promise.  Unrolled, it looks like the figure is throwing an octopus tentacle at his opponent.  Just sayin'...

Patrick Eibel: SNAP!

Introducing the new "pro team" for Dancing With the Stars...

Mr. Blackwell: Thank you for the assist, Patrick: very droll.  Moving on, the Wyches seem to have gone shopping at the same butch bondage shop that Lelith went to, and look generally good.  I am not sure why one Wyche seems to be sporting a fencing mask, unless she is ashamed of her ritual scarring.  We also have the same whip issues, but I am not going to argue with a Sybarite. Grade: A-

Are we clear that we do not take fashion tips from bad '80's sci-fi movies?

The Reavers have undergone a massive improvement, but I take issue with the blue lining on the black cowling of the bikes.  They look like they are riding into battle on neon signs.  Blech, I say, blech.  Mr. Blackwell implores you, dear visitors, do not paint your models this way.  Grade: B +.

Scrumptious, I tell you: absoLUTEly scrumptious

The Hellions look so good that Mr. Blackwell is considering using them as Shining Spears.  Why not?  They have some kind of glaive weapon that could be a spear.  Again, fashion dictates that these boys get an A+ with pinky extended.

The Raider: sleek, simple, yet a feast for the eyes

We close with the new Ravager and Raider.  These seem to be patterned after sampans or junks, which makes all of three units that have the Asian motif.  While I like the attempt to incorporate some unusual elements into the army range, Mr. Blackwell wonders why so few models went shopping in Chinatown that day? Regardless, the new vehicles look great and get an A.

The ravishing Ravager: tres magnifique! 

So, I say the fashionable gamers this winter will be sporting some new Dark Eldar.  But, let’s live a little, people. Hide the Chaos Black and come up with a paint scheme that doesn’t look like you have been watching a Twilight movie marathon.  Remember, even S&M-loving Goths get tired of black every now and then.  Toodles!

Related Pages
The New Dark Eldar Codex

Posted November 2010. Images copyright 2010 Games Workshop and are used for review purposes


Fighting Tigers:
Codex <> Tactics <> Gallery <> Allies and Enemies <> Tales of the Tigers

Other Pages:
Main <> What's New <> Site Index <> The Tiger Roars <> Themed Army Ideas
Events and Battle Reports <> Campaigns <> Terrain <> FAQ <> Beyond the Jungle