Memorandum from the Jungle
To:  All Warhammer 40K Player-Personnel
From:  Kenton Kilgore, Operations Manager, Jungle Division
Re:  Player-Personnel Code of Conduct

It has come to the attention of this office that several 40K player-personnel, out of ignorance or wanton disregard, have been comporting themselves in an inappropriate manner when performing their duties at the tabletop. This memo provides guidance to rectify the situation: please read, comply, and circulate to other player-personnel.

The following player-related activities will no longer be tolerated:

Mispronouncing 40K Terms
“Chimera.”  The word is pronounced “ky (like ‘tie’) – meer (like ‘mere’) – ah.” Alternatively, it may be pronounced “ky –mare (like a female horse) – uh.” Combinations of the two pronunciations (“ky-meer-uh” and “ky-mare-ah”) are also acceptable. The accent may be on the first or second syllable. 

Under no circumstances is the first syllable to be pronounced “shim” (like ‘shimmy’) or “chim” (like ‘chimpanzee’). Doing so leads to aural abominations such as “shim-er-ah” or “chim-er-ah.” Imperial Guard players who continue to mispronounce “chimera” will be forced to give up their armies and play only World Eaters; non-IG players who mispronounce the word while playing against IG players will be forced to forfeit any terrain on their side of the table. All other violators will be forced to purchase and assemble a Chimera model.

“Lascannon” and “Lasgun.”  The correct pronunciation of the first syllable of each word is “layz” (like ‘lazy’). Yes, we know: for years, you and all your friends have been pronouncing it “lazz” (like ‘jazz’); nevertheless, you and all your friends have been wrong all this time. “Lascannon” and “lasgun” are, respectively, contractions for “laser cannon” and “laser gun,” not “lazzer cannon” and “lazzer gun.”

Players are allowed a grace period of 30 days after receipt of this memo to discontinue the practice of mispronouncing “lascannon” and “lasgun,” after which time, violators will be forced to replace all their army’s “lazzcannons” with heavy stubbers and their “lazzguns” with splinter rifles. Attempts to appeal the penalty’s severity will be fruitless. 

Inappropriately Claiming Possession of Superior Tactical Acumen 
Player-personnel who specialize in Space Marines (Loyal or Chaos) have been given the most lenient codices imaginable, and do not possess the right to claim tactical superiority over player-personnel who use non-Marine codicies. This is especially true for those of you specializing in Black Templars, Space Wolves, Blood Angels, World Eaters, Alpha Legion, and Iron Warriors. Enjoy your easy victories, and stop being so smug about them: you are annoying the other player-personnel. In the future, please bear in mind that moderately-trained chimps can play and win with your armies. 

Iron Warrior player-personnel will immediately cease and desist from bringing a Daemon Prince, Obliterators, and a Basilisk in the same army. Yes, this office is aware that your absurdly-lenient codex permits you to do so. However, it strikes management as odd that all IW armies feature these rare units: in the future, IW player-personnel will have to submit written justification (in triplicate) to field these units. Written justification will be no less than twenty (20) single-spaced pages in 8-point font. 

Whining
Many player-personnel have exhibited this behavior. Offending groups will be addressed separately.

To Dark Angel player-personnel:  Yes, we acknowledge the fact that your Marines wear robes. Please accept the fact that everyone else—especially the Chaos player-personnel—are going to say that your Marines wear dresses. Don’t get all huffy about it. And no, being “Stubborn” is no defense.

To all Space Marine player-personnel:  Yes, starcannons are grossly unfair. Deal with it. After all, your heavy bolters eat Eldar for lunch. And at least you have a spiffy new codex, right? 

To all Eldar player-personnel:  Yes, heavy bolters are grossly unfair. Deal with it. After all, your starcannons eat Space Marines for lunch. And at least you have a spiffy new codex, right? Errr…Hey, at least you now have an actual model for the Wave Serpent. That only took eight years.

To all non-Necron player-personnel:  Yes, Necrons are boring. They’re meant to be. Not everyone can be cool. Also, if you do not like the fact that they “get back up,” then don’t play against them.  It’s the only trick they have, so deal with it.

To all non-Eldar player-personnel:  Please stop saying that Eldar are cheesy. Eldar are NOT cheesy—Dark Eldar are cheesy. Trust us on this.

To all non-Tau player-personnel:  Please stop saying that Tau don’t fit the background of the 40K universe. The game designers have deemed that they do. Move on, already. 

Making Inappropriate References
Stop referring to the Space Marine Librarian power Fear of the Darkness as “Boo.” It was funny the first time; it was funny the second time; it’s just not funny anymore. 

Similarly, stop referring to Sisters of Battle as “Battle Bitches.” Such attempts at humor are inappropriate for the workplace. And it’s not funny anymore. Failure to cease using this terminology will result in the infractor being “culturally sensitized” by fighting against a Sisters of Battle army with unlimited Faith Points (Note: you may still refer to Sisters as “Nuns with Guns,” their registered trademark).

After the end of Fiscal Year 2006, you may no longer refer to Tyranids as “Bugs.” This office has tired of that appellation. Player-personnel are advised to find another nickname. 

Referring to Necrons as “toasters” will be permitted throughout Fiscal Year 2007. 

Making Incorrect References to the Current Game Edition; Tediously Referring to Past Editions 
Despite what you and all your friends have been saying, the revised rulebook does not constitute a “4th Edition” of the Warhammer 40K. Please reference the rulebook: nowhere does it use that term. Do not refer to the rules as “Version 3.5,” either: such references annoy the living hell out of this office. This is an effect that software companies have had on the language. Last we checked, you don’t stick the rulebook in your computer. Continued usage of this term will result in your Army Builder program being confiscated so you will have to write up your army list with pen and paper, like the rest of us.

Do not refer, except in passing, to 2nd Edition. Current player-personnel no longer remember nor care about 2nd Edition. It is still acceptable to refer to 1st Edition, or “Rogue Trader,” but only if the reference is one of affection.

Misspelling Common Words on Internet Forums
Player-personnel who continue to violate online forums with misspellings such as “angles” for “angels,” “rouge” for “rogue,” and “loosing” as “losing” will have their Internet privileges revoked and their hands burned on a stove. We will not even discuss the issue of using netspeak in everyday correspondence. Case in point: the word is “probably,” not “prolly.” If you cannot take the time to type out actual words, this office will B forced to fire U (lol).

Conduct While Gaming
While rolling a die, do not say, “Anything but a ‘1’!” unless you wish the die to come up as ‘1.’  Any other such attempts to anger the “Dice Gods” will result in the existential equivalent of continuously flipping a coin and having it come up heads every time (for reference, see Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead). Your dice will be cursed to roll ones for everything other than morale checks, which will come up sixes.

When playing against Imperial Guard armies that include Commissars, do not break into that ‘80’s pop song. You know the one I’m talking about. [Don’t turn around, uh oh]

Going forward, Khorne player-personnel will be limited to one (1) exclamation of “Blood for the Blood God!” per game. Ork player-personnel will be limited to one (1) exclamation of “Waaaaugh!” per game. Sisters of Battle player-personnel will be allowed to exclaim “Repent!” only when firing flamers while under the effects of Divine Guidance. All exclamations must not be louder than 80 decibels. Audio meters will be installed in all gaming locations to monitor conformance to the sound level indicated, and violators will be forced to play Tau. 
 
 

Thank you, in advance, for your compliance with these directives.  If you have any questions or complaints about these guidelines, or would like to submit suggestions, please forward them to the Complaint Officer in the Officio Assassinorum.
 

Posted: April 2006

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